My Vulnerability

February 6, 2020

A portrait of a young woman looking a bit upset.
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Sometimes I feel like I wasn’t made for this world. Is that an odd statement?

Apparently, as a child, I used to tell my mum that I didn’t feel I belonged; like maybe I had been born in the wrong time. I was five. I still feel that way.

I feel sad a lot of the time. People who know me and read this will be thinking, “really?” Yep. Sad. Blue. It’s a heavy feeling. It’s not constant. There are sources of happiness in my world. I have people who make my heart smile and make me laugh. I have happy things and memories. But some days the sad outweighs the good and it gets a bit much. Happy people are often wearing masks. We’re the best fakers. We fake being okay daily. It’s a heck of a skill.

A portrait of a young woman looking a bit upset.

Untitled by Wanda Magliona

I am a newly qualified teacher, but I’ve been teaching as an higher level teaching assistant (HLTA) for a year. It makes me sad. I love my job, don’t get me wrong. It’s just hard. It’s hard to see and speak to children who have sad home lives, who struggle to fit in, who don’t feel like they belong or feel unwanted, because of the people they have been born to. They didn’t get a say in that. They got stuck with it. I wish I could do more.

Sometimes I am shocked at how appallingly one human can treat another. It makes my soul sad. How can people be so callous and cruel? I imagine you’re thinking, “that’s just human life,” or asking, “where has she been?”

People seem to disappoint me daily these days. People say and do things that hurt others and yet remain completely oblivious to the damage they’ve caused. I wish they could just think and be aware of the results their hurtful words and actions have.

I know! I get it! This is it for us. This is as good as it’s going to get as society seems to grow more selfish by the day. Still, can’t I wish? Can’t a tiny part of me still just hope that maybe, one day, we’ll care?

Smile at people as you pass them. Care about others’ days and bear in mind that they might be having a hard time and need a kind word. Also, a hug costs nothing and can cure everything.

People need to be happy for others. If I hear a family member or friend has a new job, partner, baby, I’m proud! I’m excited for them. I embrace it. Why can’t we all think that way? Don’t be jealous and petty. If someone has something you want, work just as hard as they did to get it and feel good about achieving it yourself.

My nan used to squeeze my hand, simple as that. She’d put her hand on top of mine and gently squeeze. It’s the smallest gesture and it meant everything to me. It meant “I know” and “I’ve got you” and “you’re not alone.” I have never missed anything else so much.

My dad can make the problems melt away with one hug. It’s a gift. He’s a natural healer. I’m more of a problem solver. I see peoples’ issues and find a way out or around. I can’t accept a problem without a solution. I fix it. I fix everything.

But I can’t fix me. I’ve been trying for years. I feel broken and like I am still putting bits back together.

This is a really open and honest post and I hope you aren’t completely bummed out if you are reading this.

This is my vulnerability.

It’s what makes me a victim of the human race. I trust, I love and I care, three things that end with me hurting often, yet I can’t seem to stop.

I’m here. In case you ever feel alone. Don’t. I’m here. I will keep letting people in, even if I get burnt by it.

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