Healers Magazine

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Abuse Abuser – Audrey Michelle

Once upon a time I felt the beauty of an entangled existence
As another body coated my soul with the sweat of true acceptance

It soaked into my needy pores
Disease infected through its absorption
Constantly intoxicated by new found spirituality

You were my prince
And I, sir
Was your princess
The angel that saved you from a life of falsity

Where there had been a dark
God said “let there be light”

Your skin pressed against mine in a seemingly everlasting embrace

The drops of adoration I so desperately desired
Slowly become diluted
Mixed with chemicals of sedation
That put my mind into a comatose state of surrender
Digesting each piece of my reality Replacing it with the guilt, fear and depression of addiction

Surviving for the rare samples of short-lived highs
From which withdrawal always ensued
At times seemingly fatal

Still, I felt the strength of entanglement
The grip of your need to demean me
To suffocate my God given right to the pursuit of happiness

Yet, I required my fix

I found myself at rock bottom
Licking anything that even resembled a glimpse of awe
Off a floor filthy with belittlement

Recovering now my limbs roam naked
Always they shall yearn for the drops of Jupiter they once tasted

SURVIVING INSANITY

I once tried to kill myself.

I was not successful in my attempt, though I do not think I cared either way at that point. I had reached rock bottom and ambivalence is the only emotion that survives there.

It has been said that only the good die young and I have never been good enough for anything.

Thoughts of dying were constant within my abused mind. They occupied my bed, attended every meal and followed my every movement. I was buried alive and the air that I breathed lasted way too long.

I did not know the difference between right and wrong. I was crazy, but not “hearing voices” crazy. There was only one voice I ever heard and it was all too real. I could close my eyes and shield his face, but there was no way to vanquish his belittlement. His words were dehumanizing and the pain they inflicted was willful. Through the years of torture, his beliefs became my own. Once he gained full control of my mind he manipulated facts, twisted my perceptions and forced my actions. If I had died, it would not have been by suicide.

The endeavor was involuntary, a reflex. His abuse was like a hammer that never stopped striking. In the instance of my near-death experience, he just happened to hit the right tendon.

Somehow I was able to escape his manipulation while maintaining my life. It took all that I had and years of recovery, but I am now as close to sane as I’ve ever been.

In retrospect, I realize I’m accountable for the attempt on my life. I was brainwashed; however, nothing and no one can dominate a mind that does not surrender control.

I no longer desire death, and there is something to be said for surviving insanity: lunacy makes for really good poetry.

Sight Cannot Conceive

No right to see the limbs that free
Perhaps it’s skewed but arms are viewed

Whilst’ wings mount low
They starve to breathe
Inhale the air
And then take flight

The earth is such a swollen place
Upon it lies the enemies

Not friend nor foe

….One no one knows….

My death would birth no grievance

Others come
Like wind they flee

Strangers fly through their life’s sky

Whilst’ I remain on callused feet

Though withered, the device of flight
Once fought to lead this tortured soul

“Forget the pain that stays your leave“

The others laughed at labeled me

All that one could ever know 

Is what their frequency has shown

Memory is but one name
Survive each day
It stays the same
Absent shame
No thoughts remain

A vacant life
Leaves not a stain

Brain absorbed no partial plea
From fate the mind did long secede

Perhaps if words were never heard
Or human’s kindness forced them mute

Feathers grew but oil was thrown
The dirty pair now hides alone

An appendage never to be mourned

I dare not dream to fly this eve
In morn I’ll see no higher light

Lay grounded against destiny
Human sworn to bear no rights

I Am Free

I fly through the skies
Stars align this path of mine

No matter how others
Wish to force my demise

It is the pitch blackness
That forces my rise

My body and soul
Aphrodite realized

I cannot be absorbed
My pores have no holes

Scratches and carves
Pure goodness flows

I am the owner of this skin

The definition of platinum
Fills me to the brim

All diamonds are stone
Steel are my fists

False views I don’t hold to

”NON-FICTION”
I EXIST