Abuse Abuser – Audrey Michelle
Once upon a time I felt the beauty of an entangled existence
As another body coated my soul with the sweat of true acceptance
It soaked into my needy pores
Disease infected through its absorption
Constantly intoxicated by new found spirituality
You were my prince
And I, sir
Was your princess
The angel that saved you from a life of falsity
Where there had been a dark
God said “let there be light”
Your skin pressed against mine in a seemingly everlasting embrace
The drops of adoration I so desperately desired
Slowly become diluted
Mixed with chemicals of sedation
That put my mind into a comatose state of surrender
Digesting each piece of my reality Replacing it with the guilt, fear and depression of addiction
Surviving for the rare samples of short-lived highs
From which withdrawal always ensued
At times seemingly fatal
Still, I felt the strength of entanglement
The grip of your need to demean me
To suffocate my God given right to the pursuit of happiness
Yet, I required my fix
I found myself at rock bottom
Licking anything that even resembled a glimpse of awe
Off a floor filthy with belittlement
Recovering now my limbs roam naked
Always they shall yearn for the drops of Jupiter they once tasted
SURVIVING INSANITY
I once tried to kill myself.
I was not successful in my attempt, though I do not think I cared either way at that point. I had reached rock bottom and ambivalence is the only emotion that survives there.
It has been said that only the good die young and I have never been good enough for anything.
Thoughts of dying were constant within my abused mind. They occupied my bed, attended every meal and followed my every movement. I was buried alive and the air that I breathed lasted way too long.
I did not know the difference between right and wrong. I was crazy, but not “hearing voices” crazy. There was only one voice I ever heard and it was all too real. I could close my eyes and shield his face, but there was no way to vanquish his belittlement. His words were dehumanizing and the pain they inflicted was willful. Through the years of torture, his beliefs became my own. Once he gained full control of my mind he manipulated facts, twisted my perceptions and forced my actions. If I had died, it would not have been by suicide.
The endeavor was involuntary, a reflex. His abuse was like a hammer that never stopped striking. In the instance of my near-death experience, he just happened to hit the right tendon.
Somehow I was able to escape his manipulation while maintaining my life. It took all that I had and years of recovery, but I am now as close to sane as I’ve ever been.
In retrospect, I realize I’m accountable for the attempt on my life. I was brainwashed; however, nothing and no one can dominate a mind that does not surrender control.
I no longer desire death, and there is something to be said for surviving insanity: lunacy makes for really good poetry.
Sight Cannot Conceive
No right to see the limbs that free
Perhaps it’s skewed but arms are viewed
Whilst’ wings mount low
They starve to breathe
Inhale the air
And then take flight
The earth is such a swollen place
Upon it lies the enemies
Not friend nor foe
….One no one knows….
My death would birth no grievance
Others come
Like wind they flee
Strangers fly through their life’s sky
Whilst’ I remain on callused feet
Though withered, the device of flight
Once fought to lead this tortured soul
“Forget the pain that stays your leave“
The others laughed at labeled me
All that one could ever know
Is what their frequency has shown
Memory is but one name
Survive each day
It stays the same
Absent shame
No thoughts remain
A vacant life
Leaves not a stain
Brain absorbed no partial plea
From fate the mind did long secede
Perhaps if words were never heard
Or human’s kindness forced them mute
Feathers grew but oil was thrown
The dirty pair now hides alone
An appendage never to be mourned
I dare not dream to fly this eve
In morn I’ll see no higher light
Lay grounded against destiny
Human sworn to bear no rights
I Am Free
I fly through the skies
Stars align this path of mine
No matter how others
Wish to force my demise
It is the pitch blackness
That forces my rise
My body and soul
Aphrodite realized
I cannot be absorbed
My pores have no holes
Scratches and carves
Pure goodness flows
I am the owner of this skin
The definition of platinum
Fills me to the brim
All diamonds are stone
Steel are my fists
False views I don’t hold to
”NON-FICTION”
I EXIST
This beautiful soul born with purpose to deliver words in golden pain to the release of others. There is no greater love.
Love you Oscar – you are always there – wherever there may be.
Thank you!